My Worst High School Bully Is About to Be My Daughter’s Teacher. I Worry That My Kid Is Her Next Victim. (2024)

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I was bullied all through middle school and high school. Not just occasional name-calling or rude remarks but vicious harassment that didn’t end until I graduated and went to live with relatives in another state. Due to circ*mstances beyond my control, my daughter “Lucy” and I will be moving to my hometown this summer. You can imagine my shock and anger when I learned that the girl who was the ringleader of my bullies will be Lucy’s fourth grade teacher this fall!

I try to tell myself that high school was 12 years ago and things will be fine. A more visceral part of me doesn’t want that bitch anywhere near my little girl. What should I do, if anything?

—The Past Isn’t Past

Dear Not Past,

This sounds like a nightmare, or the premise of a horror novel. I’m sorry about your school-age experiences and sorry too that circ*mstances are forcing you to revisit them. I know that if I were forced for some reason to interact with my middle-school bully on a regular basis—much less deliver my child to him—I’d be a wreck, and that was nearly 40 years ago.

My first question is: Does this school have multiple fourth grade classrooms? If so, you are well within your rights to petition the school’s principal for a teacher change. You don’t need to be specific, but you may consider saying, “I grew up in this town, and this teacher and I have a history that would make it very difficult for me to communicate with her during the school year.” There’s no guarantee of success, but I do think many principals would make the change—fulfilling the request now, they may (correctly) surmise, will head off a litany of problems they’d just have to deal with later.

But what do you do if, for whatever reason, you can’t make a switch? Just as we must acknowledge the possibility of change in your former bully—she may view her behavior during those years with great regret—we must acknowledge the possibility of no change. Some people remain bullies, and some of those people are teachers. I can see an argument for being forthright: making an appointment with the teacher in August, writing yourself a script ahead of time, and telling her, “You were not kind to me in school. I will be watching carefully to make sure you are kind to my daughter.” I can also see an argument for staying as low to the ground as possible, making it through the year with polite emails, and skipping parent-teacher night. Only you can decide what course to take with the teacher. More important, I think, is the course you take with your daughter.

Once the school year begins, ask your child, as neutrally as possible, what her days are like and how her teacher talks to her students. You don’t need to bring your childhood trauma to bear on those conversations (that’s not a problem your daughter needs to face), but you can listen and understand your child’s experience. If it’s a positive one—if she loves the Trunchbull—great, amazing, incredible. If it’s a negative one, you can affirm her feelings, be on her side, and, perhaps, gird yourself for battle.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My entire family is moving to a new state in July, and so my children start at a new school in September. I’m particularly worried about my oldest child, “Grace,” who is a young teenager. Grace is autistic (diagnosed three years ago) and has issues with fitting in at her current school. She already has plans to completely change herself for her new school (including learning to do makeup and modifying her personality entirely). I don’t think that this is healthy, but I don’t know how to bring it up to Grace since she didn’t tell me. I found out because she left a notebook with her plans to change herself on the kitchen table.

I’m worried about Grace, and checking her phone last night didn’t ease my concerns. (Lots of YouTube videos about becoming “that girl” and being popular at school are saved to her Watch Later list, and her subscriptions on Webtoon contain the likes of “True Beauty”—I didn’t get into it too much, as it was an uncomfortable read, but basically: The main character is ugly and unpopular in middle school, then, over the summer, changes her looks and personality and interests to fit in, starts high school, and immediately becomes popular.) How do I talk to her about this without letting her in on the fact that her mom read her notebook? (She knows I check her phone.) Should I even bring it up to her at all? Is this actually completely normal and healthy behavior and I’m just overthinking it?

—She Shouldn’t Have to Change

Dear Shouldn’t,

Ah, the ol’ New School Glow-Up. To answer your final question first: This is completely normal behavior; like everything a young teenager does, it’s not entirely healthy; and yes, you’re overthinking it a tiny bit.

The teenage years are often when kids see the banal lessons of so much children’s entertainment—just be yourself, and you’ll be happy!—repudiated by the harsh realities of middle school. It can often feel to a middle schooler as if the very root of their unhappiness is whatever it is that makes them unique. After all, that’s what other kids torment them about! So, what’s so great about being myself? What if I was … someone else?

Your daughter sees an opportunity, in this new school, for a new start. It’s not surprising she’s considering trying to make the most of it. You’re naturally worried about your child burying her true self under some kind of mask—and worried too that if it doesn’t work the way she wants it to she’ll be hurt. Her diagnosis may be adding particular concern for you, given that for some people with autism, the act of “masking” can be damaging to their mental health.

And yet: Teenagers are unusually mutable! It’s not at all uncommon for a young teen to experiment with multiple looks, attitudes, and personalities over the course of a single school year. Many teens are trying to figure out who they are and trying a lot of selves on for size. That’s a normal, and in some ways laudable, part of adolescence. Expressing an interest in makeup might be the least surprising thing a young teenager can do. Honestly, going to a new school is intimidating. What your daughter needs most going into this new environment is confidence, something that’s been hard to come by over the past few years. If a little makeup and an artificially sunny disposition helps her ease this transition, well, she wouldn’t be the first person who faked it (a little) until she made it (a little).

Mention to Grace that you noticed some videos about makeup on her phone, and offer to help teach her about makeup this summer. You don’t need to punctuate your lessons with explanations about how she’s beautiful just as she is. Just connect with her while embarking on this new and interesting task. Indeed, if she has watched enough tutorials, you may end up learning quite a bit from her. (Like, what the hell is the point of “setting spray”? Is it like glue you apply to your face? Maybe she’ll know.)

Is Grace truly going to attempt a total personality transplant? Who knows! Your job as a parent is to remind her that she is always going to be loved, no matter what experiments she embarks on, and to continue instilling in her the kindness and generosity that will remain in her core no matter what new identity she tries on.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a 3-year-old son, “Toby.” Toby is mostly a good kid, but he does have some tendencies that drive me up the wall. If he sees you with something, he wants it, no matter what it is or that he can’t do anything with it. And he’ll come up with some sort of ridiculous toddler argument for why he deserves it, then haggle relentlessly until he gets something. So, for instance, I received some Mother’s Day cookies as a gift a few weeks ago. I was nibbling one, and Toby came toddling in and wanted one. I told him they were a Mother’s Day present and only for mommies, which he took a moment to absorb and said, “You’re only a mom because of me. I should get half.” It was kind of funny, and I couldn’t stop chuckling, at which point he wanted to know what the joke was. That led to another round of negotiations, and eventually I managed to disentangle him. I just don’t know how to deal. The simplest of things turn into 10-to-15-minute-long discussions because he has grabby little fingers and never stops arguing. How do I get him to calm down already?

—OMG Stop Arguing With Me, Toby

Dear Stop Arguing,

It is very funny to me that your example of Toby’s maddening behavior is him seeing you eating a cookie and asking for a cookie, something that every 3-year-old on the face of the earth would also do. (It is also funny that you tried to convince him there is such a thing as a cookie “for mommies only”—though perhaps the reason this was the last straw was that you spend most days thinking, Cripes, isn’t anything just for me?!) Anyway, I’ll leave that aside and take it as a given that Toby does this about everything in your house, not just delicious cookies.

The Dutch would say that Toby’s willingness to endlessly discuss and negotiate every point is a positive trait, one you should foster in order to encourage the building of consensus in family decisions. I, however, agree with you that this is annoying. Toby is endlessly haggling with you because you respond to the haggling. So if you want him to do it less, you need to engage less. The traditional way to cut such discussions short is to choose an answer (“Power saws are not safe for children,” “I’m reading this book now, and when I’m done you can look at it”) and stick with it. If he keeps pestering, repeat the answer in the most disinterested tone possible. Definitely don’t end the haggling by giving in and handing him the power saw!

However: You could follow this technique perfectly, spending your entire day repeating “This setting spray is not for children” in a robotic monotone, and he might still continue debating you forever. Some kids are just debate-me bros from birth! Eventually, they lose interest—or else go to law school.

I would be remiss if I did not point out: Another way to cut this short is to reconsider your initial response. I spent a lot of my kids’ childhood saying no on instinct because in some way I viewed that as my job—only to then find myself defending semi-absurd positions I’d knee-jerk declared out of a sense that I needed to remain consistent. Eventually I learned that a lot of the time, if it isn’t actually important, you might as well just give a kid the item when they first ask. Not when it’s a power saw. But definitely when it’s a cookie.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My baby is the only grandchild on both sides. My husband went to work for my father, so we moved here and built a house after we got married. My father-in-law sold his company, and my in-laws took an early retirement and now live across the country.

They extensively travel—just not to see us. They dislike our state and our city’s lack of local culture (despite the fact we are near a performing arts college). But they constantly complain about not getting time with our child! They haven’t seen her in nine months, and every conversation is centered on how unfair it is that my family sees her so much but they don’t.

They have visited Europe twice in the past six months. I don’t see why they can’t hop on a plane to see us. We have a guest room, and I very much don’t want to travel with our child until she is older.

My husband says that this is just how his parents are and not to let it get to me. Whenever we FaceTime with them, it’s the same old guilt tactics.

What do we do here?

—Just Book a Flight!

Dear Book,

For starters, you should just get the hell off these FaceTimes! They’re his parents, not yours. Until such time as your in-laws make an effort to establish a relationship with you that isn’t based around guilt trips, you’re completely within your rights to just … go do something else while your husband and child talk to them. Go for a swim! Take in a show at the local performing arts college! Whatever!

As a rule, retired grandparents with money should make it their entire jobs to visit their grandchildren. I mean, they’re allowed to have other interests, but if they really want to see their grandchildren, they should be the ones traveling—parents of small children have plenty to do already! As a next step, your husband should make a specific invitation to them during his next FaceTime: “We would like you to visit for five days sometime in July. Please choose those days. If July doesn’t work for you, name a month.” I hope they wisely take him up on his offer and get to see their darling granddaughter. If they remain recalcitrant and keep complaining that they’re being left out, well, at least you won’t have to listen to them.

—Dan